Lately there has been a resounding theme in the lives around me, as well as in my own. It's "resistance." When we "resist," we exert force in opposition to something else. It can be positive, such as when we resist the temptation to eat a pound of chocolate. But it can also be negative, such as when we refuse to accept a situation in our lives for what it is. We live in fear and denial, hoping it will change if we exert enough force against it. But what we are often resisting is another's vision of what they want to create in their lives.Let me give you a personal example. Today is my son's biological father's birthday. In the 20 years my son has been alive on this planet, he has only ever had contact with his paternal Grandfather, and even that was many years ago. And yet I have this vision of acceptance and understanding between our families~ wishing and hoping that somehow there will be forgiveness, that his father will regret the spaces between and move to close the chasm. Clearly I am living in la la land.
When we resist something for a long time, we are not accepting the reality. We are not moving on. We are stagnant. We are stuck in our own muck. Remember the Serenity prayer about accepting those things which you cannot change? When we resist rather than accept, we are not honoring what is. We are not trusting the path. And we are exerting an enormous amount of energy into something that we cannot affect. I cannot make others conform to my vision. I cannot make a man see that he is missing out by not having a relationship with his wonderful son. What I can do is create the best relationships possible with those who choose to be in our family. I can take all of that energy I've been using to resist, and use it to create, love, nurture, and enjoy those who are right in front of me. And I can forgive: him, the situation, myself, the resistance, the negative emotions~ everything.
Once I was at a seminar where we gathered up rocks to represent different things in our lives we wanted to let go of. Each of us was led, blindfolded, by a partner, up a rocky hilltop in the desert. As we walked we would take a moment to drop a rock, saying what it was we were leaving there, and what we were replacing it with. For example, we could drop a rock and say, "I leave behind anger, and replace it with love." As I neared the top of the hill, I realized I was still holding one rock. I knew I had to let it go. I wanted to let it go. I stood there with my palm open, and all I had to do was tilt my hand and let it go. I had carried it for so long. Who would I be without it? Finally, after what seemed like a hundred hours, I allowed it to drop to the ground. I cried.
Afterward, I marveled at how difficult it had been to let that rock drop; how I had deluded myself into even recognizing that I was still carrying it! (remember Bilbo when he keeps the ring in his pocket and he's supposed to leave it for Frodo and Gandalf calls him out on it?) How many rocks are we carrying around every day of our lives, completely unaware?
Everything leading up to that moment of letting go is hard. But then you let go. You stop resisting and you start living. You stop waiting for other people to live up to your expectations, and accept them for who they are, warts and all, even if it means that they are never going to be a part of your life again or at least never the person you wanted them to be. That knot in your stomach dissipates. The sun comes out from behind the clouds. Basically, the lens you were using to look at your life is brought into focus. And you realize that it's only difficult until it's not.
